Not now…

 

The day I found out everyone on my team had enough money to go to Cambodia in January, my heart dropped. I had the feeling for a long time I wasn’t going to reach my fundraising goal for December, but actually hearing the words made it real. I feel like I am working really hard towards an intangible goal sometimes. Cambodia is so close, yet so, so far away.

I thought this blog would be easier to write, I feel like the last few have been difficult to get through talking about fundraising and the stress it has caused. But this one is a shot straight to the heart.

I am not going to Cambodia in January.

There it is. Eight words holding so much weight in my world right now.  I found out mid-December that my team (Emily, Kristie, Jordan & Sarah) all had raised enough to move to Cambodia in January. I would be the only one staying state-side.

People often ask how my fundraising is or even why I am still here (Plainview) along with several other questions in the mix. I usually hear the follow-up question, “So when will you leave?” That’s the million dollar question (and if you had a million dollars, you can go ahead and click that little “Donate!” link on the left.) Right now, in all seriousness, I don’t have a solid date as to when I will be leaving. Instead, my answer is, “When the money is all there.”

As of January 17th, I am at a strong 32.54% of my goal. I need $1970 monthly before I can leave, and right now I have $641 coming in per month.

So there it is. I will not be leaving for Cambodia on my timeline. Yes, I know God’s timing is perfect, but that doesn’t mean I always like it. God has me in Plainview for now and I believe there is a reason for it. I am working REALLY hard to trust Him and His plan, because it is not looking like MY plan for MY life right now. But sometimes this is difficult to do.

I am angry that I am not the one to go at this time, that I have to stay here answering the questions of ‘aren’t you leaving soon?, why not? Are you sure this is the right thing for you?Am I worthy to go? Equipped?, etc.

I am frustrated because I feel like I have worked really hard to make money, having a part-time job, babysitting, dog-sitting, house-sitting, (basically any kind of sitting), writing letters, stuffing envelopes, and pretty much everything I know how to do to raise support.

I am hurt. I am not really sure why I feel hurt, but I do. Do people not think I am worthy enough to go to Cambodia, do people think I am asking too much, do people think I should get a ‘real’ job and stop wandering?

And I guess all that means I am sad.

I am sad and scared that maybe I won’t leave for Cambodia or anywhere else for that matter. What if I heard His voice wrong or what if it wasn’t Him at all? And then the floodgates of doubt rush in.

And I have emotions. Surprise! Sometimes I feel like a robot, things don’t affect me the way they affect others usually.

I am on the ‘struggle bus’ and there are no stops in sight. (For those that may not know what a ‘struggle-bus’ is, I am just struggling a LOT.)

It is difficult to watch others leave while I struggle to fundraise, to watch others’ lives move on to the next step while I am treading water in my (sorta) hometown.

It is difficult to sometimes watch others move on in their lives, while I am happy to hold down a part-time job.

Sometimes  I am super excited to be headed to Cambodia and others I question if I will ever leave this small town life…

So, no I am not leaving this month and right now, I am not sure when I will leave. I am trying to find my purpose for where I am while I am here and joy in the ordinary of life.

I am still fundraising to move to Cambodia, and I would love for you to be apart of that!