This week has been rough for me. Actually the past few weeks have been. I am very blessed to have a place to stay, to have my car, family, and a job. But we don’t always see the blessing before our eyes, do we?

My current storm is and has been fundraising. If you have ever done it, maybe you know the feeling. It is a feeling I can’t always describe, sometimes it is a feeling of defeat, humiliation, failure, sadness - almost any negative emotion you can have. All these emotions and some positive ones (especially when I am able to see the support come in) are felt on a day-to-day basis. I am up and down, down, down, and then up. It is a constant roller-coaster and it is exhausting. I am currently frustrated, stressed, and exhausted.

I am trying to not see fundraising as a failure, but in our American culture it can be very difficult to see it any other way. Most people (including me at one point) see success as having a job, being able to provide for your own needs, being independent, having your own place, car, etc. I get it, I did all of that to some extent at one point in my life. I was ‘successful’ but very unhappy.

I don’t like asking for money. I don’t like being dependent in EVERY way. I want to be able to provide for myself, but this is much bigger than me. It is an opportunity to see how God provides for me in all times. It is a time for me to turn to Him and lay it ALL down. It is a time for me to step out of the boat and into the storm and surrender it all to Him. (If you know me at all, I am not a huge fan of open water so to be on a boat at all is a big deal.)

This week I had the opportunity to talk to several people about fundraising, how I am doing it and how I am feeling about it. They were not all pretty conversations, sometimes I shut down, sometimes I cried, and other times I was very apathetic about it. One of those conversations was with my World Race coach (#queenliving); she shared an awesome story of stepping out in faith and how God provided for her and her husband. I WANT that kind of faith. I NEED that kind of faith. And lately, I have been trying to do it all on my own (I am a very independent person, you can read my last blog about it) and it is not working. I am unhappy, I am in physical pain (if pain is your hands/arms going to sleep all the time,) I don’t sleep well (stress/anxiety), etc.

My prayer is to be able to take that step, or even JUMP, out of the boat and into the storm to let God fight for me. Please join me in prayer.

“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8